Devoid

Thursday, December 25, 2003:

What would I do with love if I had it?
Neglect it, ignore it, abuse it
Pretend I didn't see it
And look for it somewhere else where I will never find it
Why?
Because I make it that way
Because I want to be broken
Not fixed
Because I am afraid of being whole
I dont want to become what I could be
I don't want to live up to my potential
Because I fear myself, who I was once
Passion, spitit, happiness
Those are things that frighten me
They are the me that I left behind
So I am attuned to failure, rejection
This is the only language I understand
I seek love because I know that by doing so
I will never find it
I will fail
But I will do so willingly
Love is part of the me that is missing
I seek it because I wish to make meaning of my life
Which I am no longer living
And when I see myself in someone else
I call it love
Please don't love me
Because I won't understand
Chris // 12/25/2003

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