Devoid Sunday, October 23, 2005: I have realized that the emotional barriers and net of skepticism I have built around myself are not only a method of self defence, but an attempt to protect others from myself. Considering that my emotional stability, at least behind my walls, is an unceasing torrent, and rarely a lazy river. And unfortunately, to let people behind my walls, is to subject them to these things I should probably keep to myself. Because the last thing I want to do is drag others into my personal anguish, not because I beleive that I do not need help, or that I am not worthy of it, but because I love them. And I'd much rather see myself hurt than anyone else, especially those I love. This leads me to understand why I so adamnatly refuse my mothers affection, not because I don't love her, but because I love her more than anyone else, and, knowing she is prone to some of the negativity I am, the last thing I want to do is include her in my personal battles. So to her I seem cold, selfish, and indignant, but this I have realized is only a front to protect her from me. And now that these walls are crubling, my fear returns that if I chose to leave, it might hurt others - despite my best efforts to prevent this. I blame myself for this, because behind my distant facade, is an overwhelming desire to express my love, of which I seem to have an disproportiante amount, even to my own self-hatred. Thus, over time I have reached out to a few, and while this is arguably a good thing for me, it weighs too heavy on my conscience for me to be able to choose to end my existence. Thus, I live in anguish in hopes that I will save others from it. I'm not sure this is fair to me, but for some reason I can't help it. In any case, at this point I fear that no matter how much pain I force myself to bear, it will never be enough to push me to the logical conclusion to end this experiment of existence that I see no future in for myself. And while I won't ever be able to bring myself to do it, the weight of the desire could quite possibly drive me inadvertantly to do so - through my more indirect, and consequently, more discreet self-destructive habits. I don't want others to have to watch me destroy myself, because I don't want to cause them to be forced to share my pain, so I choose the less obvious methods in an attempt to creep by their intuition. Still, I have not reached a consensus on why I avoid hurting others so vehemently, though I don't wish it to change, something must change or else this bahavior is going to bring on my own self-destruction, or else perpetuate my misery which I have not been able to escape, at least not truly, for a very long time. And although I would gladly embrace my own end, and an escape from this situation I am trapped in, I am too inept to do it without affecting others negatively. Not to say that I am a "nice guy" but if I am it might explain why I am loosing this race, and unfortunately may end up finishing last place. And all along I wonder whether it is better to win the race by whatever means possible, or to loose with my morals and ideals intact. Perhaps it would be more beneficial to my drive for self-preservation, which seems to have been dispalced by a drive for social-preservation, to embrace some of the immoralities that seem to be common in popular ideologies. Perhaps they are not as immoral as I think, or perhaps people generally fail miserably at applying moral/ethical ideology to themselves, and instead are much better are applying it to others. In any case, it seems I am compelled so strongly by my desire to protect others from harm, I bring harm onto myself willingly in order to keep others safe. Unfortunately there are plenty of people who are more than willing to take advantage of this fact, the net result being that instead of judging them as flawed in comparison to myself, I have convinced myself that it is I who am flawed. Because after all, to judge others negatively would be harmful to them, and despite my emotional distress and torment, I can't bring myself to do this, except in the one case where their careless bahavior harms those I love, in which case I am able to make the judgement that they are careless, and will do whatever is in my power to prevent them from harming others. In the end it all returns not to my pervious self-diagnosis of a lack of self worth, but instead to the fact that I value others more than myself every chace I get. And because there are a lot of chances to do this, there's not much room left for self-assurance. Chris // 10/23/2005 ______________________ Comments: Post a Comment
I have realized that the emotional barriers and net of skepticism I have built around myself are not only a method of self defence, but an attempt to protect others from myself. Considering that my emotional stability, at least behind my walls, is an unceasing torrent, and rarely a lazy river. And unfortunately, to let people behind my walls, is to subject them to these things I should probably keep to myself. Because the last thing I want to do is drag others into my personal anguish, not because I beleive that I do not need help, or that I am not worthy of it, but because I love them. And I'd much rather see myself hurt than anyone else, especially those I love. This leads me to understand why I so adamnatly refuse my mothers affection, not because I don't love her, but because I love her more than anyone else, and, knowing she is prone to some of the negativity I am, the last thing I want to do is include her in my personal battles. So to her I seem cold, selfish, and indignant, but this I have realized is only a front to protect her from me. And now that these walls are crubling, my fear returns that if I chose to leave, it might hurt others - despite my best efforts to prevent this. I blame myself for this, because behind my distant facade, is an overwhelming desire to express my love, of which I seem to have an disproportiante amount, even to my own self-hatred. Thus, over time I have reached out to a few, and while this is arguably a good thing for me, it weighs too heavy on my conscience for me to be able to choose to end my existence. Thus, I live in anguish in hopes that I will save others from it. I'm not sure this is fair to me, but for some reason I can't help it. In any case, at this point I fear that no matter how much pain I force myself to bear, it will never be enough to push me to the logical conclusion to end this experiment of existence that I see no future in for myself. And while I won't ever be able to bring myself to do it, the weight of the desire could quite possibly drive me inadvertantly to do so - through my more indirect, and consequently, more discreet self-destructive habits. I don't want others to have to watch me destroy myself, because I don't want to cause them to be forced to share my pain, so I choose the less obvious methods in an attempt to creep by their intuition. Still, I have not reached a consensus on why I avoid hurting others so vehemently, though I don't wish it to change, something must change or else this bahavior is going to bring on my own self-destruction, or else perpetuate my misery which I have not been able to escape, at least not truly, for a very long time. And although I would gladly embrace my own end, and an escape from this situation I am trapped in, I am too inept to do it without affecting others negatively. Not to say that I am a "nice guy" but if I am it might explain why I am loosing this race, and unfortunately may end up finishing last place. And all along I wonder whether it is better to win the race by whatever means possible, or to loose with my morals and ideals intact. Perhaps it would be more beneficial to my drive for self-preservation, which seems to have been dispalced by a drive for social-preservation, to embrace some of the immoralities that seem to be common in popular ideologies. Perhaps they are not as immoral as I think, or perhaps people generally fail miserably at applying moral/ethical ideology to themselves, and instead are much better are applying it to others. In any case, it seems I am compelled so strongly by my desire to protect others from harm, I bring harm onto myself willingly in order to keep others safe. Unfortunately there are plenty of people who are more than willing to take advantage of this fact, the net result being that instead of judging them as flawed in comparison to myself, I have convinced myself that it is I who am flawed. Because after all, to judge others negatively would be harmful to them, and despite my emotional distress and torment, I can't bring myself to do this, except in the one case where their careless bahavior harms those I love, in which case I am able to make the judgement that they are careless, and will do whatever is in my power to prevent them from harming others. In the end it all returns not to my pervious self-diagnosis of a lack of self worth, but instead to the fact that I value others more than myself every chace I get. And because there are a lot of chances to do this, there's not much room left for self-assurance. Chris // 10/23/2005
