Devoid

Saturday, April 23, 2011:

This blog is fucking dead and I am fucking drunk so lets move to idleoats.net tomorrow
Chris // 4/23/2011

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Sometimes I feel that I need to decompress from life. To turn away from reality and feel an existence that is a complete void . These words make no sense to me, as if they are coming from somewhere else. This is how I feel about life, I need a break from it all because I don't understand it and that makes me sad
Chris // 4/23/2011

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Monday, March 10, 2008:

I'm a dreamer
And if I'm not dreamin'
I'm dyin'
I need to open my eyes
And see the world outside me
So I can discover
The one within
Chris // 3/10/2008

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Sunday, February 10, 2008:

There is a void in me that I cannot fill
It hungers for something still
Although I'm not sure what it is
It's an empty feeling
As if I am merely a hollow shell
Trapped inside a solitary hell
There is a numbing pain inside me that I cannot speak
It's locked away and I have lost the key
The world passes me by
A painfully active parade
I try to participate through an awkward charade
Attempting to integrate myself into my surroundings
I feel the inadequacy welling up inside me
Persistently lost in thought and time
Debilitated by the self deprecating clutter in my mind
Cobwebs of self-hatred and disgust gather in the corners of my brain
Desperately I search for the broom to whisk them away
To make my world a livable place
But I am not sure where to search for the tools to break free
From the emptiness that consumes me
The puzzle pieces are missing
Chris // 2/10/2008

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Saturday, October 13, 2007:

I think I have died and gone to hell
The world swirls around me in a million colors and sounds
And I am totally unaffected
Immune to reality
Cut off from the most basic tenants of life
Emotions are not in my armory
Happiness, sadness, joy, and pain all seem to elude me
And every day I just hope that it's not a permanent predicament
An impossibly deep hole I have dug myself into
Between the years of self deprecation and social estrangement
Perhaps I have lost or broken some essential part of me
Perhaps it cannot be repaired or replaced
Plus, I'm pretty sure that no one can help me
Nothing can save me
From the impending doom of mediocrity
Expanding into the years ahead of me
I long for a rift in this empty void
Even a precipice leading to more endless nothingness
Anything would be better than this feeling of complete emptiness
Chris // 10/13/2007

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Monday, October 01, 2007:

Now that they have proved that alternate universes exist, in which an infinite number of parallel realities exist, in effect they have disproven all existence. If this is true, then our universe exists only as a number of possible realities, hence somewhere out there is a universe that is a possible unreality. That is to say, if a universe exists where there is no such thing as matter, and likwise no such thing as I, then existence is not certain at all. It is just as likely that my universe is not the "real" universe, and that in reality I do not exist. It is still possible that I exist, but it is not certain. The mathematical proof of the parallel universe theory means that complete agnosticism is the answer to every question. Assuming there is a universe where 2 + 2 = 7, and all universes are equally possible, or equally likely, then 2 + 2 really equals "unknown," because it is impossible to determine which of the infinite possible answers is the correct one. Likewise, it is impossible to state that 2=2, because we are not really sure what the number 2 is, and whether or not it equals 2 in an alternate universe. This cosmological discovery means that it is impossible to prove that you exist, which doesn't leave much hope for Descartes, and proving the existence of the material world, or God. It is the mathematical proof of agnosticism. However, in another universe, a similar discovery was made stating that only that universe exists and no other. This seems to suggest that it is more probable, that this other universe is the "real" one and that our universe is merely a possibility that doesn't really exist.
Chris // 10/01/2007

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Saturday, March 31, 2007:

If crimes are commited by someone with a motive, are laws also created by someone with a motive? If we investigate someone to discover their mtoive for commiting a crime, why should we not also scrutinize the law. Where did it come from; is it political or moral legislation. Or is it a justifiable law. If we put law under the microscope, in the US at least, once we took away all the biblical morality codified into law, and the for-profit politicaly motivated laws, I seriously doubt there would be much of anything left. Drugs for instance. Isn't it interesting that two very dangerous, addictive, and often fatal drugs that we call alcohol and nicotine are legal, while many other drugs, some of which are certainly arguably less harmful, are so cimininalized that petty drug offenders make up 90% of our overcrowded prison populations.
Chris // 3/31/2007

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Friday, February 23, 2007:

I'm bored
With trees and rocks
With day and night
With anger and hate
With love and happiness
With algebra and history
With television and books
I'm bored with life
I was once a black hole that absorbed everything in sight
But now nothing remains
Except boredem
And the agony that it brings
I can't run from boredom anymore
I am paralyzed by the pain
So it's time to give in
To the boredom that will end my life
Chris // 2/23/2007

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Monday, February 19, 2007:

I am a fish out of water
Trying frantically to breathe in the air
When I have no lungs to fill
Removed from my natural habitat
Swimming in thoughts of times long gone
And of petty concerns of my small world
The tiny bowl from which I jumped
And now I lay flopping on the carpet
With no one to pick me back up
Chris // 2/19/2007

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Tuesday, October 24, 2006:

The stars tell a story
Of distant places
And of times long past
And the dim lights bleed into the horizon
Composing a managerie of beauty
The two coexisting
Nature and humankind
The glow casting an orange shadow on everything
And the stars, some of which are artificial satelites
Why is the sky so mesmerizing
Why does it capture my attention
Even when I feel like there is nothing
Something about them makes me feel at home
Chris // 10/24/2006

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Friday, October 06, 2006:

The room is empty
My heart is filled
With feelings of sadness
Deeply instilled

I stare at the wall
It stares back
Warm but empty
Softly it calls

I long for the things I once had
I miss the things I never did
I no longer hope for anything
It's a distant memory

I have willed myself out of existence
I have lost everything
That meant anything
And a bit more than that
Chris // 10/06/2006

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Tuesday, September 12, 2006:

It's as if the world was moving while I am standing still
A whole universe of matter, energy, thoughts, and emotions
Clickity clacking along a shoddy railroad track
While I stand motionless, muscles tensed
My thoughts stuck in a loop like a dog chasing its' tail, "What am I doing here"
I see the light of the train in the distance, growing closer each passing hour
And here I stand straddling the tracks
Frozen, devoid of motion
No movement inside or out
And as my fate grows closer, I hear the train whistle and the conductor yell
"Get off the tracks you vagrant"
The world is angry
And I am completely at its' mercy
The train is coming to take me away
Chris // 9/12/2006

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Friday, September 01, 2006:

I see thier faces but they turn away
I look into thier eyes but they change to grey
As I wade through the trongs of faces
I contemplate bieng alone forever
Chris // 9/01/2006

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Tuesday, August 22, 2006:

I feel as if I take one more step into this darkness
I will fall into it
So I stand frozen in my tracks
Unable to go back
And unable to find the way out
My hand reaches out into the black
But when it returns there is nothing in it
At least nothing that wasn't there before
For in this darkness, there is nothing to grasp
And no light to guide the nonexistent path
Get me the hell out of here
Chris // 8/22/2006

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Monday, August 21, 2006:

I see no more beauty in the world
The wonder passes over me like waves across an empty beach
All that I could once see
And all that I could once feel
Is gone, and all that is left are their shadows
Dark and looming, weighing me down
Haunting me
And as my memory seems to fail
And my words tend to faulter
I feel as if I am a ghost of myself
And who I once was is already cold and dead
And who that person was I can't even fucking remember
A stranger to myself and to the world
Insulated from understanding
By a thick net of confusion
I am confused at my existence
Sometimes I wonder if I am already dead
And if I am not, why am I still here?
To what purpose does my empty existence serve this world
And its absent god
If only I could find more words to say
Or express my thoughts another way
Because I feel as if I am trapped inside myself
Inside this existence, covered by this net of confusion
I just want to break free
Of whatever the hell is slowly killing me
Chris // 8/21/2006

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Wednesday, August 02, 2006:

My thoughts are dead
The ones that still rattle in my head
Are as incoherent as the conjoining of a midnight train and a dream
But I do hope that they return
As they were the one thing that tended to keep me sane
And now without them I feel adrift and alone
Mindless and numb
The ideas no longer come
And now I feel as if I am sinking
Into some great unknown
Chris // 8/02/2006

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The street lights are glowing
Casting dim shadows upon my small world
Ant though the streets are empty
And the people are sleeping
Here I am vommiting up words
But I feel as if they have no meaning
Just letters arranged into semi-coherent sentences
Recorded until the armageddon
I hope it is tommorw
Chris // 8/02/2006

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I find myself at a lack of words
All the things that I once could say
Are stored up and lost in some haze
My words are gone
And even these are not the same
It's as if I were asleep and cannot awake
From an endless dream
In this dark endless haze
Chris // 8/02/2006

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Wednesday, May 03, 2006:

I wake up in a daze
And I can see the day dying
The suns rays are growing dimmer
And the dusk is growing darker
And although the sun is my enemy
I feel strange without it
As if the world is passing me by
And I am standing still
A whole day gone
All while I was dreaming
Chris // 5/03/2006

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Saturday, December 31, 2005:

Let me tell you a little secret
Something you may have missed
But is an unavoidable truth
Time is not measured in hours, days, or years
Time is measured in feelings
The fleeting, the growing, the fading, and the haunting
The feelings that return to you time and time again
Those are the most important
You think you have escaped them
But once again you find yourself sinking into their familiarity
The calendar can't save you now
You'll be trapped in these memories
Forever
Chris // 12/31/2005

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Thursday, December 08, 2005:

These are the words of another
The words of unfamiliarity
Words of the heart that circumvent the head
And burst forth in a prose that lacks meaning
Words that are held back by fears
And words that tend to bring only tears
Why can I not accept these words as my own?
Why do they always seem so foreign?
Like a poem written in a language unknown
These are the words that are all to far away
Kept under lock and key
And when they manage to escape they run free
Paramount over everything
I do not trust these words inside me
Chris // 12/08/2005

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Wednesday, December 07, 2005:

Once more propelled into theological trains of thought by my study of philosophy as well as sociology I have concluded that proving or disproving the existence of God is impossible. Suppose for instance that I believed that the earth was populated with invisible unicorns who were composed of massless material. Assuming this material is massless, it would explain why we have never detected these unicorns, and have no knowledge of material that has no mass. Now that the existence of these magical unicorns cannot be disproven by rational thought or empirical observation, I could go on to state my belief that these unicorns visit us nightly and use their powerful horns to transmit dreams into our sleeping minds. This might explain the mystery of dreams in a simple way, side-stepping research and inquiry into dreams based on rational thought and research. Is it much easier to come to this belief in unicorns as a means to explain my dreams than to explain them using my cognitive faculties. After all, few would dispute the statement that human beings are naturally lazy, and the self-illusion involved in believing in unicorns to explain my dreams is far less difficult than using all of my intellect to do so. So God, and the belief in the supernatural, are merely products of human nature; our affinity to lazziness. Still, the thing that most upsets me about this situation is not that people belive or disbelieve in the supernatural, but that somethhing as unfounded as the belief in invisible unicorns is employed daily to justify the carrying out of great evils and great goods. And for those that profess a belief in the supernatural, particularly those that believe that our cognitive abilities are a divine gift, why then do they forsake this gift and presist in a belief in the supernatural? Is this not an offense to the supernatural? Better to search for an answer to this question, though no one can ever answer, and if there is a God, I am sure it would approve of this attempt. Rhetoric that is taught in holy books, is the same that is taught by complete skepticism, it's rhetoric nonetheless. Rhetoric does not search for the truth, and to prefer illusion over the search for truth again, is a denial of ones own capabilities. And while it might seem futile to search for a truth you will never find, it is more rewarding, in the end, than believing in the unbelievable. Thought is more valuable than the absense of it.
Chris // 12/07/2005

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Wednesday, November 30, 2005:

I found myself reading the gospels of thomas yet again, and coming to a new conception of God. The basic principle is that maybe God exists. However a perfecr God it seems would never confine itself into a single entity, but would rather spread itself across all things. Particularly, those thing that are similar to iself, and exist in the metaphysical realm. God is an idea, ever maleable and chaning, not a belief or a disbelief. If you were to buy a large piece of marble and claim that it was God you would have two choices. First, to put the piece of marble in your living room, unchanged as it was handed down to you, and believe that inside this piece of marble is a divine power. Or, bit by bit, you could transform that piece of marble into a sculpture, discoving the form that is within. God is not a piece of marble that you put on your table and leave unchanged, god is an idea that you slowly sculpt into a reality. The more you question your ideas of God, the close you come to God, and the more you understand. To refuse to question God is the greatest offence to it, because by doing so you refuse to seek God - as if you do not desire it's company, only its protection from afar. The reason being, it's not easy to question God, nor will it ever be, but things that are easy are not necessarily good. If there is a god who chose to impart humans with the power of reason, it intended us to use these tools to come closer to it. Otherwise it would have made us as sheep, incapable of individual thought improvement.
Chris // 11/30/2005

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Friday, October 28, 2005:

This is the point where I should tell you what you want to hear. List my creentials, my achievements, and my honors. So that these can be added to the equation, considered in tandem with my GPA, and standardized test scores. But to me these are just numbers, they do not define me, and I've come to realize that honor is also a poor way to define myself to the world. Honor has no value when it is a goal in itself. It may be true that those figures in history who have proven to be most virtuous have also been honorable, for virtue in itself seems to imply honor. However, they did not seek honor, they merely happened upon it. What they sought was themselves, and in so doing were admired by many. I believe that this is because such a quest is something few people take on, because it is far to easy to seek after the surface value and side-affects of virtue, rather than virtue itself. The great men and women of history did not define themselves with what would have been long lists of achievements and merits. Their existence was self-defined, as they did not need honor as their crutch, they were much stronger than this. They knew that their quest was much greater than the sum of it's parts, and that honor cannot be traded for happiness. And when they died, they were remembered, not because they had achieved so much, but because they had forgotten so little. Never losing sight of their goal, the real goal, and never being distracted by imitations. So if you would refuse me because I choose to follow the path of greatest resistence, and choose not to be remembered by my GPA or GRE scores, then I do not seek your acceptance. And if you choose to accept me, know that, yes, I do bring with me a list of honors, but I do not belive they are the matter that should really be in question. Who I am is more important, and I am not a number or a statistic. If it is numbers and statistics that you are looking for, then look somewhere else. As for me, I will not sacrifice my identity in exchange for honor; and nothing you can do will stop me. I intend to make this world a better place in whatever way I can, for as many people as I can, and if this is not good enough, I have nothing else to offer you.
Chris // 10/28/2005

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Sunday, October 23, 2005:

I have realized that the emotional barriers and net of skepticism I have built around myself are not only a method of self defence, but an attempt to protect others from myself. Considering that my emotional stability, at least behind my walls, is an unceasing torrent, and rarely a lazy river. And unfortunately, to let people behind my walls, is to subject them to these things I should probably keep to myself. Because the last thing I want to do is drag others into my personal anguish, not because I beleive that I do not need help, or that I am not worthy of it, but because I love them. And I'd much rather see myself hurt than anyone else, especially those I love. This leads me to understand why I so adamnatly refuse my mothers affection, not because I don't love her, but because I love her more than anyone else, and, knowing she is prone to some of the negativity I am, the last thing I want to do is include her in my personal battles. So to her I seem cold, selfish, and indignant, but this I have realized is only a front to protect her from me. And now that these walls are crubling, my fear returns that if I chose to leave, it might hurt others - despite my best efforts to prevent this. I blame myself for this, because behind my distant facade, is an overwhelming desire to express my love, of which I seem to have an disproportiante amount, even to my own self-hatred. Thus, over time I have reached out to a few, and while this is arguably a good thing for me, it weighs too heavy on my conscience for me to be able to choose to end my existence. Thus, I live in anguish in hopes that I will save others from it. I'm not sure this is fair to me, but for some reason I can't help it. In any case, at this point I fear that no matter how much pain I force myself to bear, it will never be enough to push me to the logical conclusion to end this experiment of existence that I see no future in for myself. And while I won't ever be able to bring myself to do it, the weight of the desire could quite possibly drive me inadvertantly to do so - through my more indirect, and consequently, more discreet self-destructive habits. I don't want others to have to watch me destroy myself, because I don't want to cause them to be forced to share my pain, so I choose the less obvious methods in an attempt to creep by their intuition. Still, I have not reached a consensus on why I avoid hurting others so vehemently, though I don't wish it to change, something must change or else this bahavior is going to bring on my own self-destruction, or else perpetuate my misery which I have not been able to escape, at least not truly, for a very long time. And although I would gladly embrace my own end, and an escape from this situation I am trapped in, I am too inept to do it without affecting others negatively. Not to say that I am a "nice guy" but if I am it might explain why I am loosing this race, and unfortunately may end up finishing last place. And all along I wonder whether it is better to win the race by whatever means possible, or to loose with my morals and ideals intact. Perhaps it would be more beneficial to my drive for self-preservation, which seems to have been dispalced by a drive for social-preservation, to embrace some of the immoralities that seem to be common in popular ideologies. Perhaps they are not as immoral as I think, or perhaps people generally fail miserably at applying moral/ethical ideology to themselves, and instead are much better are applying it to others. In any case, it seems I am compelled so strongly by my desire to protect others from harm, I bring harm onto myself willingly in order to keep others safe. Unfortunately there are plenty of people who are more than willing to take advantage of this fact, the net result being that instead of judging them as flawed in comparison to myself, I have convinced myself that it is I who am flawed. Because after all, to judge others negatively would be harmful to them, and despite my emotional distress and torment, I can't bring myself to do this, except in the one case where their careless bahavior harms those I love, in which case I am able to make the judgement that they are careless, and will do whatever is in my power to prevent them from harming others. In the end it all returns not to my pervious self-diagnosis of a lack of self worth, but instead to the fact that I value others more than myself every chace I get. And because there are a lot of chances to do this, there's not much room left for self-assurance.
Chris // 10/23/2005

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Tuesday, October 11, 2005:

The Boy Next Door Random Gentle Love Dreamer (RGLDm) Kind, yearning, playful, you are The Boy Next Door. You're looking for real Love, a lot like girls do. It might not be manly, but it's sweet. We think the next three years will be very exciting and fruitful ones for you. Your spontaneous, creative side makes you a charming date, and we think you have a horny side just waiting to shine. Or glisten, rather. You enter new relationships unusually hopeful, and the first moments are especially glorious. If you've had some things not work out before, so what. Your exact opposite: The 5-Night Stand Deliberate Brutal Sex Master On paper, most girls would name the Boy Next Door as their ideal mate. In the real world, however, you're often passed over for more dangerous or masculine men. You're the typical "nice guy:" without just a touch of cockiness, you're doomed with girls. A shoulder to cry on? Okay, sure. But never a penis to hold. More than any other type, Boys Next Door evolve as they get older. As we said, many find true love, but some fail miserably in the search. These tarnished few grow up to be The Men Next Door, who are creepy as hell, offering backrubs to kids and what not. ALWAYS AVOID: The Nymph CONSIDER: The Maid of Honor, The Peach Link: The 32-Type Dating Test by OkCupid - Free Online Dating. My profile name: BrokenBrick

Chris // 10/11/2005

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Monday, October 10, 2005:

This is for my own reference really, I don't want forget some of these:

Death Cab For Cutie/Ben Kweller/Pedro The Lion
Cursive/The Blood Brothers
Modest Mouse
Built To Spill/Dinosaur Jr.
Yo La Tengo
Pedro The Lion
Cursive/The Blood Brothers
Bright Eyes/The Faint
The Shins/The Brunettes
Badly Drawn Boy
The Decemberists/Sons and Daughters
Chris // 10/10/2005

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Saturday, October 08, 2005:

I have noticed that when thinking to myself I tend towards self hatred, but I never seem to elaborate. I thought it best that I list the reasons I hate myself, so that perhaps I can fix them, or maybe so I can hate myself more effectively:

No self Esteem
No self confidence
Hypocritical
Insensitive to myself
Too sensitive to others
Selfish with my feelings
Unintelligent
Not articulate
Self centered
Self conscious
Too trusting towards others
Not trusting towards myself
Second guessing
Not witty
Dishonest to myself
Too honest to others
Self destructive
Self indulgent
Self righteous
Know it all
Quiet
Lazy
Procrastinator
Not thoughtful of others
Subservient
Too accomodating
No self respect
Vain
Fatist
Idealist
Too critical
Impolite
Absent minded
Spacey
Moody
Inconsiderate
Disrespectful
Not thankful
Quick to accept guilt
Unhealthy
Never satisfied
Egotistical
Not the best at anything
Reluctant to change
Impulsive
Bad with money
Too thoughtful
Gullible
Skeptical
Uniformed
Dirty
Rigid
Pensive
Apprehensive
Fidgety
Judgemental
Shallow
Escapist
Elitist
Passive
Afraid when I shouldn't be
Not afraid when I should be
Poor judgement
Oblivious
Self hating
Self judging
Appologetic


Physical attributes:

Freckles
My hair
My feet
My hands
My facial hair
My nose
My teeth
My stomach
Chris // 10/08/2005

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Friday, September 09, 2005:

To those of you ignrant hick escalade driving assholes who somehow derive enjoyment from calling me a "faggot" as I walk out of the gas station here are some words of advice for your conscience. You know that nothing you say has any more value than the quarters you so adamantly flick at me. You only wish I was a "faggot" as you say, so maybe I would shove my dick in your mouth to stop the words from coming out. Because you are as tired of their emptiness as I am. It's good to know that your life of loitering at gas stations in escalades and having drunken sex with girls that you slip roofies to at frat parties is an utter failure. I applaud you at your lack of effort to improve yourself. You only criticise what you do not understand, because you don't know what else to do. Luckily my lack of verbal or actual response hurts you more than your words hurt me. Go home and cry into your mothers breats like the infant you are.
Chris // 9/09/2005

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Tuesday, August 30, 2005:

The inequities in our schooling system are atrocious. How can we expect our children to grow up and make rational calculated decisions when schools d not teach them to think this way. Public schools only cram facts into the brains of students, with no clues as to how to apply those facts, and analyze the broader reaching implications. That's great, you know when the declaration of independence was signed, and who signed it, and maybe even why. But are you able able to understand what these types of events really signify? To understand the deeper implications: economic, social, political, familial, personal, and global. Without the ability to search for these answers, to prod the implications of facts they are useless. To reiterate, facts are uesless without an understand of how to use them. When quoted facts are meaningless, without a shared understanding of them. Perhaps I would understand the implications of some facts I could state, but would you? Public schools merely serve as a refinery for the social machine, placing students in their social and economic place. You live in a poor nieghborhood, go to an underfunded school, and merely attend so you can visit with your friends and perhaps because somewhere deep inside you hope that an education will benefit you. But in all fairness, even the best education might not benefit some students, if they know it won't. Though this might seem like a self fulfilling prophecy, it is a symptom of out class society. Why should I go to school, why should I want to learn; education cannot imporove my situation. Perhaps if this feeling were addressed directly among students, their self-imposed failure and disinterest might vanish like smoke in the wind. But to do this, social and econmic inequities would have to be done away with - something no society in the long history of modern societies has been able to achieve. In fact, as time marches on this goal seems to get further and further away. Communism, a practical failure. Democratic republicanism, a slow, but inevitably practical failure (my personal assumption anyways). A society once established tends to homogenize, seperating "the strong from the weak" as a social darwinist might say. However, this is not fact, or even well proven theory as darwinism is. It is merely a symptom of our acceptance of it. A berrier we cannot see, and thus cannot breach. What's worse, how can it ever be if we continue to feed our society with a pre-class-sorted population, thanks to public schooling. A society that will accept the unjustifiable because it has been wrongly justified by some authority figure. Were they not taught this behavior by their teachers, and their parents? This is the logical conslusion, "Sit down, shut up, stare off into space while I spew facts at you hoping you will remember them, regardless of whether or not you are capable of integrating them into your ideology without understanding them." So when the president says, "let's make war on the guilty" who would question the guilty party? Perhaps those that disagree for purely partisan reasons, but in the long run they are not the true objectors. They will mask their partisanship with pleas of love, honor, and justice. They are merely those who are disgruntled because it was not their war to wage - an egoistic assumption that they are more deserving of the power to make such decisions. No, they are not, they are no better. In reality it is their agendas they morun, and not the souls of the dead, who return in body bags, or worse, rot in the streets or in shoddy graves. When is war ever justifiable? Because an authority figure makes it so, they will morality into existence with their arbitray policies. Making it sanctioned to murder, rape, pillage, and destroy - because, the craftiest of them, can put a face on the enemy, and fear in the hearts of their people. This makes them skilled at deception, but it gives them no authority - that is not unless you give it to them freely in hopes that they will protect you from the unseen forces that haunt your nightmares. Yes, the terrorists are coming, and their goal? It is simple, and built into their very name: produce terror. What happens if they are unable to do so? What happens if they are met with a rational society who is not swayed by the fear of mortality and loss of their "way of life (AKA material posessions and comfort)"? Terrorism fails before it can begin to suceed. What happens if they face a foe who will readily surrender the freedom they so adamantly claim to idolize, in exchange for the false sense of security behind bombs and briggands? Assuming this society has the means, any pirate politician in office will be able to concinve the population, on false pretenses, to surrender their freedom, and even their lives, in the name of the freedom to live. And to what use will he put this willing exchange to use? The amazing power the pirate weilds like a firey sword can be used to accomplish whatever goal he might wish (must pirates lust aftery the finery that they can successfully pry from the unwilling hands of the dead). I'm sorry for that digression, but it was necessary and pertinent to the topic. Because it has a sollution. Knowledge is power; the knowledge that is deprived of the population. The knowledge that an inequitable educational system cannot empart to anyone. The ability to see past myth to fact. And the ability to use reason, and rationality to overcome the forces that are all begging to decieve us. I feel like I could write more on this topic, but I fear I may digress more, and henceforth into endless circles. My point made, I can only hope that it is recieved. And that the thirst for knowledge can be imparted onto the seething masses of those who fail to realize that knowledge is their most powerful weapon against terrorists within and without.
Chris // 8/30/2005

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Saturday, August 27, 2005:

A boat dritfs on a sea of lovelessness
No rudder or oars to steer it's course
No map to follow, and no stars to gain a position
Just an endless storm of resistence
As the boat merely drifts
Hopelessly searching for the island of love and happiness
While the tempest tosses the tiny boat
Trying it's persistence
The pilot is running short on rations
And though he is surrounded by the water he so desperately needs
From the sea he cannot drink
And the island is nowhere to be seen
The pilot only hopes that the tempest will send him in the right direction
Or else it will sink, and he will be lost under the waves forever
But as far as the pilot is concerned
It is better to drown than to die of thirst
A thirst that cannot be quenched, by a sea of lovelessness
Chris // 8/27/2005

______________________

Wednesday, August 03, 2005:

Downtown at the park alone
Lay in the grass and watch the people walk
While kids roll unsteadily on skateboards
And zooming on out of control roller blades
A dad playing a game of unenthusiastic football with a child
Couples holding hands passing by
I realize that I'm going to die
Just as I was born
Alone, and afraid of the unknown
And in between I will be lucky to find
5 minutes of precious time
When I feel that I belong
But in this life full of time
I exist as an anacronym to a nonexistent line
Of a history or future no one will ever find
The park brings my solitude to mind
Watching the couples pass by
Their smiles are reflected by my frown
Alone is the way I was born
And what I will feel as my life adjourns
And in between it is all I will find;
An empitness that can't be filled
And a lonlieness that will spill
From my empty heart as it is replaced by sand
And is then cleansed once more by my weary hand
Which must one day lose the will to go on
Because I will always be alone
Chris // 8/03/2005

______________________

Friday, July 29, 2005:

Personality type results

EI: 13 out of 17
Extrovert |-------------------------------------------------| Introvert
                                              |
                                             76%
SN: 16 out of 17
Sensation |-------------------------------------------------| iNtuition
                                                       |
                                                      94%
TF: 11 out of 17
Thinking  |-------------------------------------------------| Feeling
                                        |
                                       64%
JP: 12 out of 17
Judging   |-------------------------------------------------| Perceiving
                                           |
                                          70%

Chris // 7/29/2005
______________________

Saturday, July 23, 2005:

And when I leave
I'll feel no regret
Except that I could not leave some profound words behind
For you to remember me by
Something not too sweet
And all too sour

But I'm positive when I hear the words
As they pass my lips
Forced out by their internal inaudible repition
They will not be profound
They will sound trite and similar to the rest
Of which, is meaningless


But words are my weapon
The arrows that I aim at myself
They sail far and true, and hit the heart
Of the deepest thoughts, of my absent mind
And as the blood spews forth I sink into remorse
That I left nothing behind
No beauty, no wonder, no mediocrity
Just these words
And in them is nothing
Not a single thing to remember me by
Chris // 7/23/2005

______________________

Thursday, July 14, 2005:

Everything's a dream to me
Awake, asleep, it's all the same thing
My thoughts are drowned out by an empty feeling
Shadows aren't illusions; they're real to me
But what casts them is another thing
Perhaps this is the key, to sieze hold of my reality
Place it in the lock and turn it slowly
And on the ither side I will find my life awaiting me
No more shadows will I see
And I will awaken from this dream
Chris // 7/14/2005

______________________

Sunday, May 15, 2005:

All I want is a bed to sleep in when I'm tired
And a shoulder to lean on when times get hard
Someone to kiss me goodnight
And greet me in the morning with eyes full of sleep
What I want is a cure for this disease
The lonliness that seems to permeate me
Perhaps you are the antidote
If only you would offer up the sweet elixor that I need
So I could drink it all, and be free
Free to love you for all eternity
Chris // 5/15/2005

______________________

Thursday, May 12, 2005:

Presidential candidates for 2004:

Running on the status quo ballot:
A. An ignorant, dyslexic, rich daddy's-boy, recovering alcoholic redneck

Running on the dazed and confused ballot:
A. An arrogant, married-money, wannabe war veteran, unaccomplished asshole

Running on the "other" ballot:
A. An escaped mental patient
B. A dead pig
C. A half eaten cheese pizza
D. A smelly terd

Choose your poison!
Chris // 5/12/2005

______________________

Tuesday, May 03, 2005:

Faith is the root of ignorance. It is the equivelant of solving a math equation without showing your steps. Sure, maybe it is the right answer, but without an explanation it is meaningless. You might be able to explain how you arrived at the answer (solving it in your head, guessing, asking someone else, you saw it in a dream while you were drooling on your exam) but the answer cannot explain itself. Without an exlanation, the answer has no meaning, like a book written in an undecipherable language - gibberish. Faith, basically, allows us to believe in what we don't understand, or what we can't understand. So if you have faith, it is because you lack facts, or the will to seek them. And if you can't show the steps to solve the equation, don't answer it. Perhaps maybe you never will be able to, and that is the way it is meant to be. Every equation does not require an answer, because some equations will never have one. So please don't claim to have faith in God, unless of course, your God is vanity.
Chris // 5/03/2005

______________________

Tuesday, April 26, 2005:

The wind goes with the trees
Like the birds and the bees
The air brushes back the leaves
Mostly nitrogen
Some oxygen
And trace gases
It is the air that we breathe
Some of it comes from the trees
But most of it is made by
Tiny creatures that live in the sea
You are filling your lungs
With something elses excriment
But who knows
Maybe the trace gases have an ace up their sleeve
Chris // 4/26/2005

______________________

Saturday, April 16, 2005:

My dreams never change
I've had the same for years
I wake up in my bed, with a dull fear
That the room is bare
As I gaze through a drowsy stare
But then I notice my error
There is someone there
Lying close to me, her arm draped across mine
As if it would hold back the tears
Her lungs inhaling my fears
And when I see her sleeping, I think to myself,
"Love is here"
And this moment I see in my dreams
It never comes to me
But some faint hope keeps me here
Without it I would have long ago disappeared
And when I wake up alone, there is the fear
Because my dreams don't come true
But the nightmares, they do
Chris // 4/16/2005

______________________

Monday, April 04, 2005:

The atoms in your body were forged in the cores of super-massive stars billions of years ago
When you look up at the night sky you are not only seeing stars that are very distant, but as they were millions and billions of years ago - they transcend time and cross space
We live in cities, which are in countries, which are on this planet, which is in a solar system, which is in a galaxy, whose nieghboring galaxies are called the local group, which is surrounded by clusters of galaxies, which are inside superclusters of galaxies which compose the universe as we know it
Perhaps I am weird, but all of this makes me feel like there must be a God
Chris // 4/04/2005

______________________

Thursday, March 24, 2005:

Your love is a lighthouse
And I am lost in the fog
Shine your light on me
Before I spill my guts on the rocks
Chris // 3/24/2005

______________________

Wednesday, March 23, 2005:

What would I have done without you
Who's to say
Lost in a maze of emotions
Shrouded in haze
And though you weren't here
You were always there
Through some moments
That were hard to bear
And though I was alone
I didn't feel that way
Thanks to you
On the darks days
Like a beacon of hope that shines bright
Sometimes lost in clouds
There was still a light
And when the clouds fled
The light shine down
And I could barely make a sound
Because I didn't want to miss
Your footsteps on the lighthouse stairs
May your embers always burn
And the lighthouse turn
Though maybe not for me
For some weary traveller to see
And take comfort in those penetrating rays
Of warm light you radiate every day
Chris // 3/23/2005

______________________

Tuesday, March 15, 2005:

Sometimes I want to live
Sometimes I want to die
Most of the time I don't give a shit
Chris // 3/15/2005

______________________

Monday, February 28, 2005:

I'm the invisible boy
Mostly unknown
Often unseen
I drift through this world
And people take what they can from me
But instead of appreciation
They return only mockery
So I drift on their periphery
An outsider on the inside of the ring
A lonely statue surrounded by an army
Exclusion is my home
And obscurity is my phone
I communicate with my surroundings
Through dropped calls and patchy signals
Why should I call attention to the fact
That I don't enjoy this existence
In a state of emptiness
So instead I reamain speechless
And though I try to prevent it
The feeling grows more exhausting
As if there is no place for me
Nowhere to breathe
Without inhaling an air of uncertainty
But at this non-existence I seem to excel
Inside this halfway hell
To others I must be an abstraction
With no concept or continuity
A black hole of emotion
Able to absorb without reflection
And no thoughts to be heard
Except the ones I put into these words
There are more still unseen
I am really a catch basin you see
Collecting the rain from dark clouds
Because that's all I am given to drink
With the occaisonal sunshine sprinkling
And now the rain is brimming
But from the basin I can no longer drink
For I discovered it was poisoning me
A poison that invades your thoughts
And kills your dreams
And the water will soon flow over
Out of the basin and into the open
I don't know where it is going
Maybe non-existence
Will become my true reality
Though some may miss me
Others will deny what they could not see
Chris // 2/28/2005

______________________

Saturday, February 26, 2005:

I drive to follow the roads
And the roads lead me to road signs
And they carry me to the center of my mind
And far away from all that I find
I drive off the edge of the earth
And I fall through space and time
Left to stare out into the void
Immersed and drowning in the stars
Points of light that shoot out and prick my scars
But bathing in their light I feel no harm
And they inhale and exhale
As they implode and explode
They mimic my bodily rhymes
The universe is a vast place
But it all rests on a narrow line
A band of gravity, a ball of twine
Unravelling through time, revealing the road signs
Chris // 2/26/2005

______________________

Wednesday, February 23, 2005:

"Shine on me baby
'Cause it's rainin' in my heart"
-Elliott Smith
Chris // 2/23/2005

______________________

Tuesday, February 22, 2005:

Life is give and take
Some give
And many take
Because it's a game of tug-of-war you see
But there is no one on your side
And though you tug on the rope it will not budge
For there are many behind the winning team
And none behind you
And across the pit
Where the bets are stacked high
The ballots have all gone through
No one is rooting for you
And though you may pull, you will never succeed
It's a matter of probability
No one bets on a losing team
The game can only bear its fruit of fortune
For one side of the game
And no matter what they say
There is no give and take
It's only take and give
It only flows one way
And in this game of life
The war will never end
It will be your face in the mud
Time and time again
Chris // 2/22/2005

______________________

Sunday, February 20, 2005:

My dreams are always someone elses
And my life is someone elses dream
And we are all trying to figure out what they mean
These cryptic messages from our dreams
But they are really just opposites you see
For someone to live, someone must dream
Chris // 2/20/2005

______________________

Saturday, February 12, 2005:

All these signs point me to the exits
But I can never seem to escape
From the state of ups and downs
Like a roller coaster that lasts a lifetime
Sometimes you climb the highest peaks and peer down at the ground
Sometimes you run the loops of time
Sometimes the cars dip low, close to that great below
And you can never shake the feeling that there will be more hills
Just around the next turn
It makes it hard to sleep at night
With the persistent mocking light of the exit signs
As if they know the answer, and hold the key
To the end of this roller coaster
The road to eternity
Chris // 2/12/2005

______________________

Tuesday, February 01, 2005:

I am a stone, searching for another stone at the bottom of the stormy deep
I am a tree, whose limbs and boughs climb higher and higher in search of air to breathe
I am a river, that creates canyons from stone, searching for the sea


Chris // 2/01/2005

______________________

Saturday, January 29, 2005:

I thought I had found life's meaning
When I gazed upon a beautiful scene
Painted by the sun's penetrating rays
Illuminating rivers and streams
Deserts, oceans, and autumn's leaves
Allowing beauty to be seen
But through my fingers it slipped
Now their purpose elludes me
As if it were merely a broken dream
For the sun casts shadows you see
Into whose darkness no one will ever see
Now all that reamins are a few passing moments
And no more reason to be
And as time rolls on into eternity
It only casts darker sadows upon my dreams
Into whose depths I can never reach
As my dreams grow darker they start to frighten me
And life's meaning only saddens me
There is no reason to be
Life is no more than a broken dream

Chris // 1/29/2005

______________________

Saturday, January 22, 2005:

I watch the birds fluttering around
Hopping and pecking at the ground
Gathering their sustenance from things by me unknown and unseen
They hop from tree to tree
And on the ground amid the leaves
Which, though it is nearly spring, still populate the land
But somewhere nearby burns a flame
A flame unlike any other, one not of fire
It is an unceasing flame of darkness, fed by fuels from within
Inside my brain it hides in shadows
For it casts no light upon anything
But if by chance a thought may pass
That is not wholly clean
Possessing in its nature feelings untrue
Of sadness, longing, or other shades of blue
It will be devoured by this flame, as a wolf upon a lamb
Feeding the fire's eternal thirst
For the blood of it's only keeper
All of these things to the birds are unknown
But somehow they seem to see
That in that ground there is no sustenance for me
And unlike them I have no wings
So they are oblivious, unless I chance to walk amongst them
For they sense the heat from the flame, and they flee
They can't share their wings of serenity
They know that the flame will not be extinguished
Until it extinguishes me
And inside my head it consumes everything
As if there were a hurricane of blue thoughts gathering speed
And the smoke is making it hard to breathe
I can't ignore the flame anymore, so I watch the birds amid the trees
It seems that they were right
There is nothing in that ground for me
And I have no wings, and no where to fly to
There is no more hope
For it has become fuel for the monstruosity

That is growing darker and making it hard to see
Now my world is shrouded in smoke
And like a lost fireman, the exits allude me
And the walls are closing in
All I can do is watch the birds, barely moving
This is the end for me

Chris // 1/22/2005
______________________

Friday, January 21, 2005:

When I say to you,
"I'm going to take the long way home"
Don't be suprised when I don't return
You'll never see me again

Chris // 1/21/2005

______________________

Tuesday, January 11, 2005:

Those who are never born
Will never live
And they will never die
For them there is no life
And no death for which life to follow
For them there is nothing

Chris // 1/11/2005

______________________

Where is there to go
But inside yourself
Through the veil of illusion
You will see the world inside out
But never upside down
What you will find is not what was forgotten
But what you can't forget
And your heart will ahce
Because from this there is no escape


Chris // 1/11/2005

______________________

Sunday, December 12, 2004:

It is true that we have much to learn from those that came before us
If ignorance is bliss, then the pursuit of knowledge is happiness
The difference you might ask? One is false and the other true
Why you might ask? I don't know
And that is the only sensible answer to the question
The future is drawing near, and soon it will be the present
As for the past? It too will return if we forget it


Chris // 12/12/2004

______________________

Friday, November 26, 2004:

I'm swimming in that sea of nothingness
Surrounded by the infinity of none
Attempting to return to that place from which I came
Where my life once began
There's nothihg left on that continent of existence for me
So I will swin until I reach my destination, or die trying
Once again surrounded by sadness
The only thing that will be left to comfort me
More and more it feels like there is nothing else
Besides what little is left of me
It's time to be alone once more, in thoughts and time
I can't go back now
I've lost my mind
The more I live, the more I want to die
I'm tired of being lost in that periphery
From which no one can see
And to which no one dares come
And so there is no one for me it seems
I guess it will be okay for me to disappear



Chris // 11/26/2004

______________________

Monday, November 22, 2004:

I've decided that the only absolute in this life is that there are no absolutes. Unfortunately, this means that I can no longer bring myself to belief anything with any level of certainty. It is impossible to take any position on anything, the in between is the only place that existence can exist, and it is the only place where there is no existence. The more time I spend in this place the more I feel that I am no more. It grows more powerful as I realize more and more that my only company is the entire universe, and a handful of other human beings who have realized the same thing. Outside of this I cannot speculate, for it is impossible to be either a theist or an athiest, without making the gravest mistake of all, and that is stating that you believe in certainty. Although I can't blame my nieghbors for believing in these certainties, for human beings are inevitably fallible. Why this mistake is so universal across mankind I am unsure. In any event I feel more and more isolated in my crowded world of non-existence and I don't know how much longer I can stand it.

Chris // 11/22/2004

______________________

Tuesday, November 09, 2004:

I wished there was something or someone to make all of this worth while

Perhaps there isn't



Chris // 11/09/2004

______________________

Friday, October 08, 2004:

Without God, humanity cannot exist. But without humanity, God also would not exist. This is because without God, humans are nothing more than the result of evolution, mammals, part of a functional ecosystem. Humans would be homosapiens, practical beings resulting from the science of evolution, without the capacity for complicated thoughts. God was born out of philosophy, and of the need to explain the obscurity of human beings. God is the only thing that can validate our existence as something more than animals, God is the only thing that can explain philosophy; humans were born of God, and God born of humans. It is a symbiotoc relationship, one cannot exist without the other. Without humanity, there would be no philosophy that would require the extsitence of God to explain it. God would not exist, because there would be no reason for him to, because humanity is the only species that requires God to explain their existence. Therefore, God and philosophy are inseperable, one in the same; without one, there is no other.
Chris // 10/08/2004

______________________

Thursday, September 30, 2004:

Run, jump, and play
Squirrels have fun all day
Collecting acorns and eating dirt
Their feelings are never hurt
Why can't I be a squirrel today
And float so effortlessly away
Leaping from limb to limb
Falling from tree to tree
Why do squirrels get to have all the fun
And not me?


Chris // 9/30/2004

______________________

Friday, September 17, 2004:

Sometimes I feel so alone
That I am forced to forget who I am
Don't let me slip away
Don't leave me alone
One day I might not return

Chris // 9/17/2004

______________________

Tuesday, September 14, 2004:

People can escape from almost everything
They can run
They can hide
And then can ignore
But there will always be one thing that they cannot escape
It can't be outrun
There is nowhere to hide from it
And it won't be ignored
It is yourself
And it will always be there
Calling out, "Truth!"

Chris // 9/14/2004

______________________

I'm a dried up well
That you should fill with dirt
And never return to again
I have no water to spare
Chris // 9/14/2004

______________________

Friday, August 13, 2004:

Butterfly

It was the summer of my lifetime
Not the winter spring or fall
On a day unrivaled by any other
That I decided to take a short drive
With no real destination in mind
Only a chosen direction
A busy highway which soon became abandoned
I was all alone when I made up my mind
I was never going back to my home
But then something happened to make me change my mind
A butterfly decided to cross the road
Unaware of my reslove it fluttered carelssly
Now it is gone and it will fly no more
I could not keep going and leave it to die alone
I had to return to the place from which I had come
But on my way back I lost all touch
I could not decide what to think or what I felt
Inside my head there was nothing to be said
And so I wept to the song that felt like my own
In a place that was not far from home
And when I returned all that was left were these words
Now here they are but I can speak them no more

Chris // 8/13/2004

______________________

Sunday, July 04, 2004:

Dear RIAA,

I would just like to write tho thank you for preventing innovation and creativity in the music of my generation. I feel safe knowing that artists signed onto major labels will continue to produce a consistent sound, and say the same things that I have heard before. As for change and new ideas with the starling side effect of thought and feeling, I wouls much prefer the safety of boredom and stagnation. I am also pleased that the RIAA is helping to prevent creativity by fighting those file sharing whores from spreading their infernal innovative new artists who are not bland enough to join the RIAA, and thus are angry because they cannt sell albums in the thousands or appear on the MTV top 10 boring songs countdown. I feel much safer knowing the RIAA is doing the part by suing grandmothers and grandfathers whose rebellious relatives choose to defy the law by downloading the "Hokey Pokey Song." I am also glad that dismal RIAA artists like Metallica have support in their attempts to copyright chords. Furthermore, I am glad that the RIAA helps to chain music to the ground and keep all those free thinkers in their place if they think that they can make "music" on their own and get away with it. God bless the RIAA and damn all those heathens to hell, and an amen to emptiness.
Chris // 7/04/2004

______________________

Sunday, June 20, 2004:

I wanna remember to remember to forget you forgot me
Chris // 6/20/2004

______________________

Thursday, June 17, 2004:

If a tree can have a face
The moon should too
Chris // 6/17/2004

______________________

If life is what you make it
Don't let love pass you by
If life is what you make it
Don't let your dreams wash away
If life is what you make it
Don't be afraid to cry
If life is what you make it
Don't be afraid to stay
If life is what you make it
Don't forget to say goodbye
If life is what you make it
Don't waste a single day
If life is what you make it
Always look to the sky
If life is what you make it
Fill it with happy days
If life is what you make it
Don't let life tell you a lie
If life is what you make it
Don't throw it away



Chris // 6/17/2004

______________________

Monday, June 14, 2004:

Love will wash away your fear of life
Love can ease your fear of death
If you won't love you can't live
If you can't love you will die
And when you do you will leave nohing behind
Chris // 6/14/2004

______________________

Thursday, June 10, 2004:

As you lay sleeping
I start walking
Gonna walk all these thoughts out of my head
Gonna walk all this pain out of my heart
Walk because there is nothing left to do
And I'm gonna keep walking
Until I have left all my troubles behind
On that long and lonely dusty path
And I'm gonna keep walking
Until there is nothing left at all
But perhaps what I have left behind
Was not my troubles at all
It was myself

Chris // 6/10/2004

______________________

Tuesday, June 08, 2004:

I can think of at least two ways of falling in love. You can fall in love head over heels with no worry of getting hurt because you expect the other person to do the same. That is the most painful way to have your heart broken I think. Or you can fall in love slowly over time, through the force of habit. Obviously, the more safe route. Which one would you pick though - Head over heels crazy in love with more chance for heartbreak, or just a strong sensations that build over time to become love?

Chris // 6/08/2004

______________________

Thursday, June 03, 2004:

I have determined that the reason that most people have problems with relationships is because they can't connect physical and mental realms with each other. Some people have no problem expressing affection physically, but they do it without connecting any emotion to it in their mind, thus it doesn't mean anyhting to them and they will end up hurting someone else because of that. Other people have a hard time putting their emotions into action, which leads other to think that they don't care, which in turn also hurts other people greatly. In either case, it seems to me that almost everyone falls into this trap at least during one point in their life. Whether they express affection physically without placing emotions on it, or they have emotions that they never manifest to the outside world, they end up hurting others because of their defficiencies. Fortunately, most people learn the error of their ways and correct it eventually I think. However there is always that time when things never seem to work out for people in the romance part of their lives, and I think that this is a big reason why. May we all notice it, and change when necessary. In the end, all you need is love right?
Chris // 6/03/2004

______________________

Tuesday, June 01, 2004:

I've decided that we are all coin operated entertainment for the Gods of Rome
While you lose your job, Ceres chuckles as he drops some more change
As you grow colder, Appolo laughs and tosses in some more trinkits
As you find your lover has left you for someone else, Cupid tosses back a few drinks and fishes for coins in the gutters
As you lay dying, shot in the cross fire of a fight that was not your own, Mars sharpens his sword and gives a hearty laugh
As your house burns down, Vulcan only watches the fire pawing his pile of ducats
As the world crumbles down around you, Zeus is sitting in his chair wondering what could possibly happen if he paid a little more
Don't play their game
Chris // 6/01/2004

______________________

Monday, May 24, 2004:

Well somtimes I can't forget
And sometimes I can't remember


Chris // 5/24/2004

______________________

Saturday, May 22, 2004:

It was an anthem of the heart
It was a story or life
It was the spirift of love
It was...
Chris // 5/22/2004

______________________

Wednesday, May 12, 2004:

Well if I knew the meaning of life, would I ask myself then, "What is the meaning of death?"
Chris // 5/12/2004

______________________

Saturday, May 08, 2004:

Keep on sending me empty promises
And I'll keep filling them with disappointment
But don't send me any more cryptic messages
I can only turn them into shattered dreams
Chris // 5/08/2004

______________________

Thursday, April 29, 2004:

Most people seem to hold on to grudges longer than anyhting else
I, on the other, hand hold on to love until it can no longer be grasped

Chris // 4/29/2004

______________________

Tuesday, April 20, 2004:

It seems my anger always turns to sadness
Now I am lost in silent reverie
It seems I don't know where I am going
And I've forgotten what I have already seen
If the sun is setting, what do I know?
If this is the end, where do I go?
Where do I go from here?

Chris // 4/20/2004

______________________

Monday, April 19, 2004:

He was a hometown hero
Who enjoyed picking the fruits of his labor
From the tress of so many hometown girls
He was a homegrown boy
Made from the ground up
Minus the roots
Thanks to all those hometown heroes
Your ego precedes you
Chris // 4/19/2004

______________________

Sunday, March 14, 2004:

Don't talk if there is nuthin' to say
The last thing we need is more words in the air
Empty and hollow vowels
Consonants and nouns
So sharp they will cut your ears

Sometimes there is no escape
From words, and what they say
Sometimes you just have to run
Even if running won't get you away
Sometimes you gotta get outta this place

Chris // 3/14/2004

______________________

Sunday, March 07, 2004:

The rain will wash away your tears
And when it ends you will have no fear
You won't remember
But you won't forget
The colors that make a rainbow

Chris // 3/07/2004

______________________

Saturday, March 06, 2004:

Dreams are the substance of life
Sometimes they come true
Sometimes they don't
Never stop dreaming
Because when you do, you die
Chris // 3/06/2004

______________________

Saturday, February 28, 2004:

Home is the new direction
Don't need north and south
Or east and west
It may be the end of the road
But it's not the destination
Home is where I'm going
Chris // 2/28/2004

______________________

Friday, February 27, 2004:

Things I have learned about life:

You are no better than anyone else, and they are no better than you; you are just different

You can't schedule life. You can try, but despite your plans sometimes life will just happen

Anger and hatred will do nothing but make you more angry, and fill you with hate; let go

Success will not always make you happy, but happiness will make you successful.

Life is a series of moments, cherish them all; good and bad.

All you need is love, and money can't buy love

Trust everyone more than you probably should. In the end, they will want to honor that trust

Think of death as only the end of the beginning. When you are gone, things will keep moving, and you can rest assured that time will march on.

Beauty is in the eye of the beholder

Live in the moment; but never forget the past, and always remember the future.

Don't be afraid to feel, and don't be afraid to think, but try not to mix the two; if you do there will almost always be trouble

Remember that there are others. If someone asks you for money on the street, give them as much as you possibly can; money is much less important than love and kindness

When you fall in love, don't fight it; even if you win the battle, you will lose the war

Life is not a race, it's a journey. A race has only one destination, and one path. A journey can take any path, and end anywhere. Never forget the difference
Chris // 2/27/2004

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Saturday, February 21, 2004:

Sometimes I wish that I could die
Other times I wish I was truly alive
But being stuck in limbo is worse than both
It is time to choose one or the other
Chris // 2/21/2004

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Monday, February 16, 2004:

You can be an idealist forever
It just might hurt a little
Chris // 2/16/2004

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Friday, February 13, 2004:

Drifting through time: the only way to live
You don't need days, or weeks
You don't need months or years
All you need is the moment
A single moment of unplanned, and unexpected emotion
Over time, you will forget seconds, hours, minutes
When you look back you will only see moments
You will remember how they felt
If a moment's is all you need
Forget everything else
Chris // 2/13/2004

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Friday, February 06, 2004:

Warning: serotonin levels critically low!
Switching to auxillary power supplies
All systems functional with a nominal power loss of 50%
Chris // 2/06/2004

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Thursday, February 05, 2004:

There will never be true equality until people stop fighting for it. They must lay down there arms and trust that others will do the same, because trust is the basis of equality my friends. If you want to be equal, then you must allow others to want the same. By telling them that you are going to win this fight will only make matters worse. To say that you want to win really means that you want to subjugate someone else; be superior to them. In a figh there must be a winner and a loser. Furthermore, why should someone wish to be called equal to another who lives in the past and cannot learn to trust that the world has changed? If you want equality, then stop trying to tell me about it, then I will be sure to give it to you. If you want to fight, I will of course fight back, but not because I am resisting equality, but because I am resisting subjugation, just as you claim to be doing yourself. If you think you stand for justice, equality, freedom, then think again, and take a good look at what it is you really want; power, revenge, superiority, none are admirable desires. And if this is what equality is, if this is justice, then kill me now because I refuse to live in a world with "good" people that are full of such hatred and contempt. Love is all you need.
Chris // 2/05/2004

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Tuesday, February 03, 2004:

Simply Beautiful
Chris // 2/03/2004

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Sunday, January 25, 2004:

There is n/o
Chris // 1/25/2004

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I was searching for the end
When I found the beginning
I wish I didn't know
I wish I couldn't understand

Chris // 1/25/2004

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Wednesday, January 21, 2004:

These are the moments when time stands still
Beauty and sadness become one
The beauty comes from outside
It is all things
The sadness comes from within
Beauty seems so far away
These are the moments you should cherish
There is love
But not for someone or something
It's a love that just is
And the explosions in the sky
Are like explosions in the heart
Firey but distant

Chris // 1/21/2004

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Saturday, January 17, 2004:

I know where I've been
I don't know where I am
I know where I'm going
Nowhere
Chris // 1/17/2004

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Wednesday, January 14, 2004:

And I quote my soul
"Remind"
"Exit"
The words slip out
Questions or answers
Chris // 1/14/2004

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Everything means nothing
But nothing must mean something
There is nothing
But there is something
Never one without the other
Always together
When there is something
There will be a longing for nothing
And with nothing
Comes the hope for something
To feel nothing
Is to lose something
And you know you are lost
When nothing means something
And something seems so far away
When every beam of light
Is a hope long gone
And a path long lost
You tell yourself that life means something
But you fill it with nothing
And nothing can never mean something


Chris // 1/14/2004

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Love is the exchange of a smile
Nothing more
But nothing less
Don't fall in love with someone
Fall in love with a smile
Don't look down
You won't find love lying at your feet
Chris // 1/14/2004

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Friday, January 09, 2004:

The sky is grey
But only for one day
Chris // 1/09/2004

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Saturday, January 03, 2004:

Don't tell me that you love me
It will olny make it hurt more
I am trying to return to a place where
Sadness is not always knocking on the door
A place where questions recieve answers
No longer lying on the floor
So please don't tell me you love me
I can't use love anymore
Chris // 1/03/2004

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Sunday, December 28, 2003:

I've spent years trying to forget
Now it's time to remember
But, lost as I am
It may be diffucult to find me
Chris // 12/28/2003

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Thursday, December 25, 2003:

God giving humans free will, and life, and then telling them that life is only a pre-curser to the hereafter, and that they shouldn't search for their own answers, and instead should use the ones provided is not right
Thats like giving someone a present and telling them they have to like it, telling them they have to keep it, and telling them that if they dont use it the way you think they should they will pay.
True, you gave it to them, but in doing so you gave up your authority over it
You are no longer allowed to dictate its use, nor should you be allowed to punish them for using it in a way that you don't agree with
To do so would be unjust, and totally immoral
It would also require you to be egotistical and self-centered
Well god damn me
But I refuse to accept a dictator that tells me how to live my life
I will live it on my own, and in my own way
Because right now thats all I have
And even if I do find the same answers and follow the same paths, I found them myself
I followed my path, not the beaten one
And though it may wind and detour, I will see and find things that others will not
I will derive meaning from life, my meaning
If God thinks he can give me free will
And then turn around and rob me of it, he is mistaken
Its my life now damn you
And I will resist
I will rebel

Chris // 12/25/2003

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I am searching for the meaning of life
If I believed in God then I would not have to
The meaning of life is explained by religion
But I am not so sure that my life will mean so much if I accept someone elses meaning of it
I want to find my own answers, and want my own meaning
And even if it takes me my whole life
At least I searched, and at least I tried
And thats good enough for me
Chris // 12/25/2003

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The truth is God has no humlity
How else could he punish someone for not believing in him
I am not perfect yet
I am still capable of accepting when someone does not believe in me
And I am also capable of forgiveness
However, God is not
Those who do not believe will be punished
Those who do believe will be rewarded
Where is the love?
Where is the compassion?
Where is the forgiveness?
I cannot believe in God, because to do so would violate my own morals
Furthermore, it seems it would also violate Christian morals
God must have forgotten love they nieghbor when he made his edict
Perhaps forgive and forget just slipped his mind
And apparently, the almighty creator is an egotistical maniac, sad as it may seem
He doesn't care who I am or how I lived my life
He only care whether or not I lived my life for him
And if I don't he thinks its just to punish me
This is the essence of machoism and egoism
And I refuse to believe such an inconsiderate bastard created this beautiful universe
I refuse to give my life to someone who doesn't appreciate it
The truth is
I don't beleive in God, because he doesn't believe in me
And if he lacks the humility to forgive me for my disbelief
Then he is not the kind of creator that would ever choose to believe in


Chris // 12/25/2003

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What would I do with love if I had it?
Neglect it, ignore it, abuse it
Pretend I didn't see it
And look for it somewhere else where I will never find it
Why?
Because I make it that way
Because I want to be broken
Not fixed
Because I am afraid of being whole
I dont want to become what I could be
I don't want to live up to my potential
Because I fear myself, who I was once
Passion, spitit, happiness
Those are things that frighten me
They are the me that I left behind
So I am attuned to failure, rejection
This is the only language I understand
I seek love because I know that by doing so
I will never find it
I will fail
But I will do so willingly
Love is part of the me that is missing
I seek it because I wish to make meaning of my life
Which I am no longer living
And when I see myself in someone else
I call it love
Please don't love me
Because I won't understand
Chris // 12/25/2003

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Sunday, December 21, 2003:

Sitting in a hotel armchair
The elevators whir and beep,
Like a room full of critical patients
Who can’t decide whether they are dead
Or asleep.

Drip, drip, drip claims the ice machine
As it hums softly in the corner,
Converting all that it liquid to solid

Faintly comes the sounds of a television
From a room far away;
The words too thin to carry
Past the tan striped walls

Slowly beats my heart
As I gasp at the thin empty air

The light shines brightly
Through the cracks of the doors;
Some go up
Some go down
Others go nowhere at all
Chris // 12/21/2003

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Thursday, December 18, 2003:

It is true that all massive objects in the physical universe exert a specific gravitational force on all other massive objects. In this case, it is also reasonable to assume that all massive objects and black holes are attracted to each other. Because there are so many massive objects exerting varying gravitational forces, some of these forces are very small. But, it is also logical to assume that as black holes continue to consume matter, thus increasing the size of their event horizon, the total number of different gravitational forces will continue to decrese. Thus, the process itself would accelerate as time continued. Eventually, all black holes would be combined into one "Uni-Black-Hole" which would contain all physical matter in the universe. This black hole would of course have an event horizon with a possibly staggering radius. This event horizon, from my understanding, can be thought of as the end of time and space, beyond which natural properties and physics seems to break down. I must alo take the liberty to theorize that the ede of the physical universe can be dubbed the beginning of space and time, because past it, these things do not exist. Now, assuming that this uni-black-hole can exert enough gravitational force, albeit a unified one, it could succeed in pulling the edge of the universe back in on itself. Now, this uni-black-hole should have a life-span equal to the sum of all the life-spans of the black holes that were included in it. However, I must again take the liberty to theorize that if the beginning of space and time, the edge of the universe, and the end of space and time, the event horizon of the uni-black-hole were to meet, this life span would be canceled out. At this point, the uni-black hole would end its life as all black holes should; by exploding and ejecting all the physical matter contained inside it out, constituting the birth of a new universe. This can be likened to a supernova, in which case matter collapses on itself to a point that it must explode. Where is God in this scenario you might ask? To answer this question one must remember that time is relative. Since this is in fact a rality, God is the only answer to the true origin of the universal cycle that we are living inside. He must be a being that exists outside of time, and is capable of understanding both time from the perspective of this universe, and also from a human perspective. The matter and conditions that began the universal cycle must have had a beginning. This is why matter cannot be created or destroyed; if it was, then the cycle would have to end.
Chris // 12/18/2003

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Thursday, December 11, 2003:

All I do is dream
About the times I was alive
And the dreams I used to have
Dreaming of dreams
Won't get my anyhting
So I stare out the window
And I see only myself
Past me the trees bend and sway
I wonder what happened to yesterday
All those dreams I thought I dreamed
Who really cares anyway
Dreams are what they are
And that is axactly that
You can't taste or touch them
They are not really fact
I forget my dreams
I forget myself
And there is nothing left


Chris // 12/11/2003

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Dyin' is all I been doin' for as long as I can remember
Chris // 12/11/2003

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Friday, December 05, 2003:

Sleeping is the best way to avoid reality. The reality is that I am worthless and I hate myself for it. I hate myself more than anything or anyone else. There is no reason for me to be here, I want to disappear.
Chris // 12/05/2003

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Monday, December 01, 2003:

Look at all the pretty faces
They stand in front of all the twisted minds
Chris // 12/01/2003

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Tuesday, November 25, 2003:

I disapoint the world
I disappoint myself
But what's worst of all
I disappoint you
Chris // 11/25/2003

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The clouds are beautiful
But they tell me nothing
They kill me slowly
And silently
Chris // 11/25/2003

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Friday, November 21, 2003:

If I start drinking
I won't stop
Until I am dead
But its not that time
I'm not sure
I have seen
All there is to see yet
So for now
I will have to be
Drunk on sadness
Chris // 11/21/2003

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The only love I want
Is the love I can't get

Chris // 11/21/2003

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Life is a terminal disease
And I have it
Chris // 11/21/2003

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Someone please
Help
I seem
To
Be drowning
In
A pool
Of
My own
Sadness
Chris // 11/21/2003

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Thursday, November 20, 2003:

The journey of life is a series of seasons
First comes spring; fresh and new
Full of discovery
But terribly uncertain
The bright days and fluffy clouds
Are forgotten by the fierce storms
And biting winds

Summer follows spring
And the uncertainty vanishes
Joy fills the heart
Love runs rampant
Life is what it is
And thats all there is to it
But after time
There is a problem
Living becomes too certain
It loses all meaning
It leaves a sense of desperation
And an urget feeling that promts the search for lifes meaning

Fall is ushered in by summers' ending
The uncertainty of spring returns
As the end of life grows near
Now there is a search for proof
That it was really there
A series of meaningful moments
The beauty of remembrance
Carries with it the soft whisper of death
And forces acceptance
Of a life now completed

As fall dies, so must we all
Passing into the winter of bleakness
The memories fade
The winds now from Lethe come
The beauty of remembrance
Is replaced by a terrible amnesia
Time slows down
The sun disappears
Life has reached its winter
This is the end
Chris // 11/20/2003

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Monday, November 17, 2003:

Emptiness
Is it a feeling or state of being?

Emptiness
Hurts more than anyhting
Chris // 11/17/2003

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Friday, November 14, 2003:

I don't know who I am
Or who I am supposed to be
I don't understand the meaning of me
Chris // 11/14/2003

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Thursday, November 13, 2003:

The eons are always flowing
With the ebb of time

Chris // 11/13/2003

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Wednesday, November 12, 2003:

Lost
Lacking
Love
Lovability
Chris // 11/12/2003

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Friday, November 07, 2003:

It is a lack of empathy that allows for the chance of inhumanity
Chris // 11/07/2003

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Sunday, November 02, 2003:

I am sinking through a sea of sadness
Into an abyss, much deeper than the heart can feel
I see your eye lids, blinking softly
Beside the water you do kneel
Why won't you reach our your hand and touch me?
Before its too late and I can no longer feel

Chris // 11/02/2003

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Saturday, November 01, 2003:

Someday I'll run away
Because I dont want to stay
Chris // 11/01/2003

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Wednesday, October 22, 2003:

It seems that the idea of faith is the process of returning to the same olace for the same answers to new questions. Not only is this not a source of growth, it is a source of stagnation and ignorance. It is difficult to believe that Christian faith has survived for so long in the face of the many new questions that have arisen. The only reason it has not been completely destroyed is that the ignorance that it fosters, places power in the hands of those that feed faith to the believers. With this power, any challenge to faith or the old answers, can be completely destroyed, because the populace will only believe what they are told by the church; the essence of faith. Hence, the power and also the ignorance can be prolonged, although there is usually a breaking point past which resistence to new answers and questions would be absurd. It is only then that the church accepts, and brushes away the killings of coutless "heretics" and "non-believers" who turned out to be right in the end. Oops, oh well, I guess life is not really so precious unless its yielding a proffit.
Chris // 10/22/2003

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Friday, October 17, 2003:

Such A New Developement
Chris // 10/17/2003

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Thursday, October 16, 2003:

There's nothing in this world that can make me feel
Happy
Sad
There's nothing that can make me feel something

All the eyes are just pieces of the puzzle
But they don't fit
And there's nothing that can make them see

Chris // 10/16/2003

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Sunday, October 05, 2003:

Sometimes its not enough
And thats worse than never
Chris // 10/05/2003

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Time cannot be encapsulated
Its grows and changes
It runs away before our eyes
And if you think that time goes from here to there
You are wrong
It flows everywhere at once
Past, present, future
None in that order
They move in and out
So that they are all happening at once
But they happen so fast
Its all a blur
All you can see is the present
And its all you have
Chris // 10/05/2003

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Wednesday, September 17, 2003:

The only thing that is infinite is nothingness
All else is bound to definition by reality
Only metaphysical ideas can transcend something
And enter the world of nothing
Chris // 9/17/2003

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Sunday, September 14, 2003:

Only in the depths of extremem pain
Am I allowed to feel true happiness
Chris // 9/14/2003

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Saturday, September 13, 2003:

The birds may sing
And the bees may try
To sing a song
About an endless sky

Chris // 9/13/2003

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Monday, September 01, 2003:

Sorrow creeps in, like the shadows of a dark night
The moon gleams down, projecting the ghastly arms of the trees with their many fingers onto the ground
Walking alone, the silence looms above, threatening its own death, to let loose a wolf's chilling howl
A cold wind blows, penetrating the cracks and crevices of the mind, numbing its thoughts with its shrill abandonment
Feet slither across the ground, and the moon shadows contourn to their shape
The night conspires against carelessness, and turns it into sorrow
Crushing all spirits with its heavy blows, it feels no remorse

The trees dance in the cold wind, as it begins to grow
The flames begin t dance now too, and the shadows dance alone as the embers drift out of view
Sorrow becomes pain, pain becomes death, and the wolf howls his last cry
The dark night mourns now, the dance is over, the flames have gone
The wind only grows colder, and more shrill
No more shadows are cast, they are all dead

Chris // 9/01/2003

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Saturday, August 30, 2003:

Please wait...
[Your Life Is On Hold]...(The Future Is Dead)
Chris // 8/30/2003

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Why do the most complex questions always have the simplest answers? Why then do the most simple questions result in the most complicated answers?
Chris // 8/30/2003

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Thursday, August 28, 2003:

Warm is the wind that blows on my cheek
Soft is the grass laid beneath my feet
Sad is your voice as it finds its way to my ears
Cold are your eyes, even as they are full of warm tears

Where did all the smiles go
Lost upon another day
Where did the sun go
What happened to its golden ray

Cold grows the wind, as I spite it with my cheek
Dead is the grass, wallowing beneath my feet
No longer is your voice sad
No longer are your eyes cold
Now I remember the times we had
Now everything is nothig like the days of old



Chris // 8/28/2003

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Contempt truly is a frivilous activity. It accomplishes nothing, except the whittling away of time that could be spent chisling out other ideas. Yet, almost everyone seems to do it, humans in general are contemptuous, and I want to know why
Chris // 8/28/2003

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Music is my mood stabilizer
Chris // 8/28/2003

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Friday, August 22, 2003:

Its not the answers that are important, it's the questions
Am I contemptious? Can I live without contempt?
Chris // 8/22/2003

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Sometimes I feel like an alien in this place, and the thoughts run through my head
What is this? Where am I? What is the human condition? Does every thought contribute, or has it been thought before?
My thoughts now, what do they mean, and what can they do? Where am I going? Am I really headed in the direction I thought?
What does all this mean? Why can't I understand? Whats happening to us?
I ponder all these thoughts, in rapid sucession, not finding any answers before I move to the next
Yet another question to ponder, can my pondering answer any of these questions
I speed down the road, and as my mind is severed from reality, objects become mere shapes and colors
Things are not as they seemed before
Am I complacent, are you complacent? What does it mean to be such a thing
Not caring? Not seeing? Or even not understanding?
Where are the words that I cannot find? Do they drift in space, waiting for me to collide with them?
Or do they not exist until I conjure them up in my head? Does anyhting really exist?
Can I let go of my fear, anger, mistrust? Can I live without it?
For a few brief moments, objects are new, they no longer exist to me as they once did
Everything I see is strange and foreign, and I can pass no judgements
What is right? What is wrong? Can something really be either one?
Everything loses its meaning, and in a brief moment teeming with revelation, I see that meaning is not universal
Objects, and people, and words, can mean nothing, and they can mean everything
And this concept is not new to me, but the idea that without meaning I can still understand is a wonderment
Even as shapes and colors, and streaming lines fly by me, I understand them, without knowing who or what they are
And all my thoughts and questions, merge into one
What is this?
And this "what" is something that I cannot understand, with or without meaning
It is the question I will ponder for the rest of my life, conscious and unconscious
What is this idea that carries me to the depths of unfathomability?
Perhaps it is something, perhaps not
I may even ask the question a thousand times and still not know the answer
But its not the answer I seek,nor do you


Chris // 8/22/2003

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Sunday, August 17, 2003:

You can never get away from your life
The people you've loved
The people who have hurt you
They may never return to you
But one day, you will return to them
And in your heart things may have changed
But you will remember, and you will remember the same way you once did
Your life will return to you the way it once did
And it will hurt
Chris // 8/17/2003

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And its true that nothin's what it seems
And it seems that nuthin's really true
And truth is just something people say
And no one tells the truth anyways

Well I might be runnin' away
I might be goin' to stay
All those things you said
I'll run them outta my head

And its true that hope is not what it seems
And it seems there's no hope left for me
And hope is just something people do
And I can't hope anymore, I'm through

Chris // 8/17/2003

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Wednesday, August 13, 2003:

The only way you can ahcieve an existence in an ageless realm is to not exist
Only through death might you achieve a state of timeless un-being
Time does not apply anymore, because time does not exist in a state of non-existence
If you wish to live forever, you must choose to die, only then will your abscense perpetuate for all eternity
Chris // 8/13/2003

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Friday, August 08, 2003:

When you are happy, things are just things
They are not special, because you know you can just reach out and touch them
But when you are sad, the world is so much more beautiful
Because its all just out of your reach
Chris // 8/08/2003

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Monday, August 04, 2003:

If you think its a little too hot
Then you better watch out
Cause the life you're livin, it's all you got
There's no heaven, there's no hell
But there's birds, bees, and trees
So laugh it up, or cry it down
That choice is yours alone
But remember this world will keep spinning round
Even if you have no feet on the ground

Chris // 8/04/2003

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Saturday, July 19, 2003:

Idle Oats
Chris // 7/19/2003

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Tuesday, July 15, 2003:

Its sad when you look up at the clear blue sky
And you realize that those clouds you were living under were a lie
All that light you thought you had felt
Was really just a prelude to the miles of feelings never felt

Its almost funny when you look down at the ground
To which you press your ear, and hear no sound
The laughter, and those pattering steps
The grass through which you so softly crept

None of its the same
It might be called by a similar name
But it has undergone a change

That light that had shined down on you to make you so proud
Was really just the leftovers, of what passed through those clouds
Your life is gone now, if you were really living at all
Standing under that big blue sky, you feel so small


Chris // 7/15/2003

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Tuesday, June 03, 2003:

Jumping-/\-Leaping-/\-Running-/\-Flying
Falling-\/-Burning-\/-Crashing-\/-Dying
Chris // 6/03/2003

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In my dreams you are grey and white
But I can barely see, there is no light
I reach out my hand, but you turn away
Leaving only my dismay
The tears come to my eyes as I begin to realize
I am alone in this place, and I will never see your face
Those twinkling eyes will never touch mine again
Our love is not, nor has it ever been
I am alone for all time
Alone in the place
Then I awake, my heart slowly relinquishes its pace
And as I open my eyes the lines begin to fade
The years become decades
Time seems to stand still, my hands cover my face
I am alone for all time
Alone in this place


Chris // 6/03/2003

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Tuesday, May 27, 2003:

God did not create man out his lonliness; man is the only creature in this universe that is perpetually lonely. Man created God, and his creation gave life a purose. Tell a man his life has no destination, and that when he dies there will be nothing, and that man will feel lost. Tell a man that there is a light at the end of the tunnel, and he will follow it. But let a man discern for himself, and he will not seek any stars, nor will he feel the lonlieness, he will live his life to the fullest, and appreciate the beautiful world around him, because he will realize that's all he has.


Chris // 5/27/2003

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What is the meaning of life? The age old question, which frankly cannot be answered because of the very nature of the question. Life is lived on an individual basis, so its meaning differs more than it is unanymous. Some people may believe that life is a journey, but one with a definite destination, and that the purpose of life is to determine what happens to you after life is over. In this sense, life is really a test, to bring out your deepest characterts. Other believe that life itself is that most important thing, and that the journey overshadows that thought of any destination. In this case, life is not a test, nor does it have a purpose, it is just something you must do until the time comes when it must end. Many people fall into either of these categories, and many many more fall in-between. Unfortunately, they constantly cast stones at each other, as if to say, "You are wrong, and I am right." However, if life could have a positive definition, I would shudder to think that this was it, and endless war that can never be won. Because, as I have stated previously, life cannot have a singular meaning, because the ever growing plurality of man prevents it. If there were but a single human being on this planet, it might be possible to say that life was an absolute, but that would only be if this man was an absolutist, and most men are not. Men are though the most curious creatures on this planet, as no other species seems to care much about the meaaning of life, nor does it care to ponder how life came to be, or even consider the fact that it should pay homage to a creator. This is because most species on this planet are completely involved in the process of life in its purest form, which on this planet, unfortunately, happens to be kill or be killed. Eat or be eaten, and to take time to think about such things would defy the instinct to live. But once again, what does it mean to live? If you are a gazel on the african plains, and you see a cheetah racing towards you, most likely life will compel you to run, so that it can continue. This might lead one tho think that life is a symbiotic parasite, using humans as a host to carry out its own existence as well. But then, one must return to humans, and realize that life and death are not so simple for such a complex species. Life becomes more than just living or dying; it becomes a managerie of things, all specific to specific people. Some men are great, they seek success, and throughout their life it is what they find. But does this mean that they are alive if they must use everyone and everything they encounter to do it? Who is to say? Perhaps the man on the street, who was once a drug addict, and then a convict, who asks you for change is really the successful one, perhaps he is alive. He has seen men succeed, and he has been the victim of those who have sought to do nothing but this, so he has vowed never again to be part of this game. He has made his decision, and in order to not become one of those men, he must live in the favor of them. And though he sacrifices material things that they will not, I say he has a great deal more wisdom to choose to live his life in the way he does.
Chris // 5/27/2003

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Monday, May 26, 2003:

Sometimes the road is long
Sometimes the path is winding
The tires spin, the lights glare
Streaming through the glass, striking my blank stare
The wind blows by, whistling as it caresses the steel
I stare out at the lights, and I jerk the wheel
I cannot resist the compulsion to want this road to end
The car careens towards the nearest concrete barrier
The walls of this life; I smile and close my eyes
I immagine that I am flying, far up in the sky
Far above the lights
Far above the glare
Far above myself, and my empty stare
This road must end, and so must I
At last I am not sad, finally I can die




Chris // 5/26/2003

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Sunday, May 25, 2003:

Whilst you and I sleep
Millions are still toiling away to keep the machines running
Humming and buzzing
The ghastly mechanism that is human existence
Nibbling away at the flower of this planet
Chris // 5/25/2003

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Sunday, May 11, 2003:

Polly Shore
Wise Wall
Run away
But not too far
Loose your mind
Find your soul
I guess thats the price you pay
Where did you think you were going anyway
Chris // 5/11/2003

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Tuesday, April 29, 2003:

I can taste your name on my tongue
But it's so sweet, it drowns out the taste of my tears
Chris // 4/29/2003

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Monday, April 28, 2003:

This crazy game called love has pushed me down before
But I got back up, and found I could just close the door
Then I realized that all my cuts and scapes had not become scars, only scabs
Now they are wounds once more...

I don't need your love
I don't need you no more
Chris // 4/28/2003

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Tuesday, April 22, 2003:

I stand underneath the dark glaring sun
Squinting through its rays
I ponder the meaning of life, and the remainder of my days
What are we really doing here in the place
And if it is not by chance, why will our creator not descend from grace
To join the thobbing ranks of the deluded many
And heartlessly disown the secluded plenty


Chris // 4/22/2003

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A river runs through it, the place where I was born
A river runs through it, the banks are old and worn
A river runs through it, carrying away thoughts and dreams
A river runs through it, cant you hear the stifled screams?

Chris // 4/22/2003

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Thursday, April 17, 2003:

The flames continue their encroaching
They are imminently approaching
Now there is nothing left but roasting
And as the flames lick and peel away my skin
We can finally see what lies within
A hollow shell, and an empty soul
Neither can fill this void that has become my hell

Chris // 4/17/2003

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Thursday, February 20, 2003:

Lately I am under the impression that my mind would be a lot more clear if it had a .38 caliber hole in it
Chris // 2/20/2003

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Tuesday, October 29, 2002:

Lost in the hopelessness thats where I'll be
I don't think I want to return to the land of dreams
Its not for me...
Chris // 10/29/2002

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Thursday, October 24, 2002:

True depression is not easily attained, and it is not a simple feeling either. True depression is a feeling of utter and total hopelessness, coupled with feelings of emptiness, apathy, and a little confusion. To say that you exist inside a world of total depression is a lie. True depression is something which cannot be sustained, or else life is on pause. I must reiterate and rephrase, depression is the antithesis of life, life cannot coexist with depression. If you are truly depressed, for even a brief moment, your life stands still, or slides backward more likely. You don't go to work, or school, and dancing around with glee putting on a happy face. True depression inhibits these actions, true depression prevents you from feeling, or doing anything. To be truly depressed, you must feel completely hollow, hollow and worthless. Depression cannot coexist with feelings of self-worth, at least not positive ones. At one time and moment you may experience true depression, and in that time, you will feel completely lack-luster to say the least, you will feel that you are nothing, and consequently feel a nothingness which I mentioned already. You may choose to hang on to this moment, for it is as addictive as any feelings of joy and happiness. I do not claim to be the only person to live inside a world of depression, for I do not, it is not possible to live and be truly depressed at the same time. However I have experienced numerous brief moments of true depression, the occasional prolonged period of depression, and the general never-ending malaise and cloudy glass through which I view the world. There are undoubtedly others who have experienced depression in more severe ways than I, and would undoubtedly describe it in a different manner. However, if you claim to have ever felt a moment of depression in your life, and you fail to comprehend, or have never experienced any of these feelings, or lack there of, then you have never been depressed. Soft-spokeness is NOT synonymous with depression. You may not have a smile on your face, and you may not be on the computer, or watching tv, or on the phone with someone, or talking to yourself. You may be sitting quietly, not even listening to music, but this absence of activity does not mean you are depressed, it means you are waiting for some other activity to come along and carry you away. If you were depressed at that given point in time, you would have no thoughts. You would have no activities... sitting staring coldly and blankly at the ceiling or a wall. Not thinking about a tv show, a computer game, food, planning your wardrobe for the next week... you would be thinking nothing... nothing at all....
Chris // 10/24/2002

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